It's a beautiful Life

Yes it’s my story; the story of acceptance.  “I am a strong girl. I can fight all my life issues. I am not afraid of anything”. This is what I thought about myself. With this introduction about me, I joined for my Mphil in Clinical Social Work in a reputed Medical College in Chennai. First few weeks were fine as we had only theory classes. First day of my posting was in Burns ward unit. I was scared to death to go to that ward, though I believed I was strong. Actually I dint want to go, but I know I have no other option. First day I went there and literally I was trembling, because I know what I am going to see is not so pleasant and acceptable. You all know how scenes will be there. I saw many patients there right from the age of 2 to 80. All were burnt cases. What I saw was burnt skin, blood oozing out, sound of caregivers crying at their highest pitch and death. More than the situation, the smell was so horrible. Yes the smell of burnt skin. I could not tolerate that smell, though I was wearing a mask. Literally I vomited in front of the patients.

I know it's bad and I felt so guilty. I could not stand in that place for more than five minutes. I came out rushing and stood in the ground. A girl, whom she thought was the bravest of all, realized that she is a coward. This understanding was so painful. I was not able to accept the reality that I was a coward.  I was nauseating. Then something hit me. “I am a third person, to the patient. When I myself feel so much of trauma imagine the kind of trauma patients and their caregiver would undergo”. I then decided ‘I know God gave me this task for a purpose’. If I run away from this, then I will be letting God down. I want to take this, not as a challenge, but as expansion of myself. I removed my mask. I went inside. I had goose bumps. I went near the patient. I couldn't withstand my palpitation. I slowly started looking at the patient. My heart beat increased. I had a good deep breath. I could feel the smell flowing inside. It was so disturbing. But then I know if I can accept the smell of flower as 'good' then this is also part of it. I took another deep breath...this time the smell was not so disturbing. I took the smell inside with acceptance. Yes it was nauseating, but it was not because of the smell. I was nauseating because of my thoughts. I was taught ‘how a good smell and a bad smell would be’. I thought this smell to be bad and so I suffered.  I accepted it. After few minutes, the smell slowly became a part of me.

I never turned my eye anywhere. I just had a clear look at the patient. I looked into their minor details. I looked into their burnt skin, I looked at the bones, I looked at the blood. I know all this skin, bones and dirt are part of us. But we have been focusing on the external appearance right from our birth. We are not exposed to the naked truth. This is the truth. When we are anxious, we don't look into the picture with greater details and we start imagining and we try to rush that process. I slowly observed everything. Patients were dressed by ward boys and nurses. They were crying in pain. Many girls and boys try to hide their naked bodies. When I saw their ‘naked’ bodies it shook me up. For the first time I understood that we are not our bodies. I started to see them beyond their bodies. I started to look into their naked soul. I could understand that, this physical damage can be repaired, but the soul needs to be rejuvenated. I decided to do that.

 Slowly my heart beat came to normal. I dint rush into the ward. When anxious we try to do things in a hurried manner. I started doing things slowly focusing my attention on each and everything. Suddenly a patient touched my hands and started crying. The patient was trying to ventilate the problems. I wanted to push the hands away and run as I was afraid. But then more than the scars, I saw the tears. I know the power of touch. Again I told myself, ‘all these tasks are mutual. God wants me to expand myself, and in that process help that patient’. Yes. I decided to do that. I put a chair near that patient and I spoke. Yes my heart was beating fast, but now I understood the process.  My learning dint stop here.

Night, I had to sleep alone in hostel. I had night mare. But then again I started focusing on the breath. I started breathing slowly. I started to observe my body and my thought process. I was sweating, my heart beat increased, I was shivering and all the horror movies I saw came before my eyes. So many negative thoughts kept popping in.  I dint fight with it. I was observing it. First time God helped me, stay at the present. Though I was not comfortable paying attention to my details I realized that, during that few minutes I dint oscillate to past or future. I became mindful. I started contemplating on many questions. I dint have answers, but something showed me a way. I started seeing my body and psychological process as a third person.

I realized I was not afraid of the darkness, but I was afraid of what was in it. I started questioning my thought process. Right from childhood, we were told that during night when you hear any sounds, it could be a ghost. All the movies reinforced this information. They also teach about God, but only this information about ghosts strikes us when we are alone. I understood the negativity bias in brain. I understood that it is not the sound that creates the fear, but what I think about that sound is what creates the fear. When I heard a sound I told myself “It is just a sound. Don’t add your stories to it. You don’t know whether your stories are true. It is just a sound. That’s all”.  Though it dint bring a big change immediately some change was happening in me.

I started focusing on my breath and I slept. Next day when I was travelling in bus, a lady offered me a newly born baby to keep with me till she gets down at her stop. This scene was entirely different from what I witnessed yesterday. The entire world's beauty was bestowed upon the child. I understood God’s message. Again I dint accept it blindly. I focused to the minute details of the baby. I was looking into its eyes. I was trying to look into its soul.  Everything in this world is beautiful.  Be it a rose or a cracked skin. The gutters which irritates us, is what provides livelihood to others. For us it’s dirt, but for someone it’s life. How will you say it’s beautiful or ugly? It’s in our eyes. I understood that we don’t see things as they are. We add our adjectives to it and believe it to be true.  

I started watching my mind. When I went into the ward, I won't say I turned into a saint. I had the same palpitation but this time I was able to accept it. I dint feel the urge to run away from it. Now the face mask seemed so stupid. I could witness the beauty in everything. I understood pain is different and suffering is different. Pain is a natural process, but when you don't accept the pain and ruminate on it, it becomes suffering. I don't want to suffer. God helped me learn the art of acceptance. Slowly I even started having my morning tea with the patients. When patients show me their unsettled wound, I was able to touch and examine the wound with love and care.

Accepting death is a big learning. Making others accept that death is a process of life, is yet another challenge. Many a times I was given the task of counselling caregivers regarding the death of their dear ones. Initially I found it tough to stand near a dead body. Worse of all, many a times I have seen patients dying right in front of me. It was tough for me to see small children die. Again God helped me to learn from this. I started contemplating on the aspects of soul. It took me some time to understand that they are liberated. Till that moment, I saw death as painful but later I understood that it is liberation. When caregivers were not able to accept this, I was able to approach them with utmost compassion. This is what God has helped me learn.

I understood rejection is what brings pain. From then I never reject any opportunity in my life and started accepting things as they are. I dropped all my judgments. If it is raining, “yes it is raining. That’s all” and if it is a very bright sunny day “yes it is a bright sunny day”. No more adjectives.  The adjectives we give are the judgments we make in our life.  When I see a patient scream, I told to myself that “this patient is screaming, let me ask what the problem is and see what can be done” instead of saying “this patient is screaming. She must be in pain”.   I started seeing only facts of the problem without adding adjectives.  My learning dint stop with my hospital setting alone. When I saw a beggar on the road I tell myself “I see a beggar begging for alms”(The actual fact) instead of saying “oh my God, this man is in a very sorry state (adjective) He must be suffering (again adjective)”. This adjectives is what creates attachment and suffering. Slowly I can see my life change, then they posted in various departments and now everything turned beautiful.

Even when people suffer, I was able to be non attached yet compassionate. How great is the learning. Had I run from the learning, I would have missed this point. I know the healing process is different for different person and time also varies. But don't run. Accept and be ready to Learn. Life is ready to offer us so many lessons, but we are scared of the process. Take this opportunity to expand yourself. You are not limited. Go beyond all your childhood definitions and fear. This universe is ready to teach you. Be open. Give up all your beliefs. Start anew. We are all blessed...but the thing is we forget our blessing. Stay blessed. The entire universe is with us, and this universe is a friendly place. Sometimes we need to lose all our strength so that we can gain it back with full vigour. Rejuvenate yourself. You are blessed. Life is beautiful.