Sometimes we are hurt so badly that we find it very difficult to come out of it. Many a times we are treated very badly, our trust was broken and heart shattered to pieces. Well the pain is there and it is normal. But most of the time the pain lasts for a very long time leaving a permanent scar in our heart. We have a hard time letting go. This is one of the biggest problem of humanity. It causes unhappiness and ruins relationship. It affects us mentally and affects all our functioning. We are trapped.
We need to learn to let go, in a sense forgive ourselves and others. We need to forgive others not because they deserve it, because we deserve peace of mind. We need to forgive others for our own self, for our own growth. When we fail to forgive we get stagnated. Forgiveness does not mean that we erase all the mistakes, or the other party is not at fault. It does not even mean that the other party will change their attitude and behavior. It just means letting go of the anger and pain and transcend it.
It’s not so easy but we can try. Here are some few simple steps to forgive someone. First we should understand that why we are not able to forgive someone. The reasons are many. Sometimes we feel superior to other, we don’t know how to control our emotions, we identify ourselves as a ‘victim’ or we are afraid that by forgiving others we lose control over the other person. Not necessarily all person should go through all these feeling when they try to forgive someone. It is some of the reasons why we fail to forgive.
It is important that when we forgive others we should forgive out of compassion and not because of our ego to show our superiority. Forgiveness is to raise both the person and it should not be done to put down a person. While I was writing this article, a famous parable hit my pen, explained by one of the Psychiatrists. Everyone knows the story of Mahabharata. Arjuna is standing in the war field waiting to kill his own relatives. Lord Krishna was guiding Arjuna and Arjuna felt it tough to kill his own relatives and he dropped his arrow. Lord Krishna asked what was the reason behind his confusion and Arjuna explained his state of mind. After hearing his genuine doubt Lord Krishna Explained “ Arjuna, your doubts are genuine. No one is killed or no one kills. I am in everything and I am the doer. Moreover do you think that you can kill them. You can kill only their physical body and you have wrongly misunderstood my statement of asking you to kill them. Please Understand.
Human Mind is very strange. It does not easily allow the other person to accept their defeat. It always gives a chance for the other person in the name of forgiveness and it puts the other person down to show its own superiority. We always want our enemies to be there because of two reasons: one to show the world that he lives because it was me who forgave him and the two it gives food for our ego. It gives a work for our ego. It boosts our ego and we always strive to be above them. So Arjuna, I asked you not to kill them. Kill your own ego. Your forgiveness should bloom out of compassion. But your forgiveness is out of ego. So instead of dropping the arrow drop the ego”.
The parable may not be true but I loved the message. This is how everyone finds it difficult to forgive or forgive out of ego.
So let’s learn how to forgive.
Acceptance: The initial step to forgiveness is acceptance. You should accept the fact that the incident happened and you have no control over it. You accept the pain it caused and you make a commit to let go of the hurt.
Thinking of pros and cons: once you made commitment to let go of the hurt you need to analyze the pros and cons that particular incident. How will this pain affect me and others? Does it stops my growth? Does it cause unhappiness? Think of all the pros and cons of forgiving.
Choice: Next step think of all the choices you have. Just remember this quotes, “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lie our growth and our freedom.” We cannot control the reactions of others but we can choose how we respond to those emotions. We can have power over our emotions.
Empathize: As I said, forgiveness should bloom out of compassion. Put yourself in other person shoes who caused you the pain. Think of their situation and what made them to react that way. Don’t label the person. Drop all the past event associated with the person. Don’t bring in all the mistakes that the person did in the past. Don’t come to conclusion that the person is bad. Instead think that “He is a good person, but today something has disturbed him and so he reacted this way”. Think of all the good things done by the person. Don’t judge the person by this particular incident.
Responsibility: Try to understand your role in the problem. How did you contribute to the problem? What could have been done instead? How could you have prevented the problem?. This does not mean that you need to blame yourself and feel guilty. It is the process of accepting responsibility.
Present: Understand that the past is over. Man is born every second. The man who is reading this blog is not the same person a second before. Micro million changes happen in our thoughts. So don’t think of past. Don’t think of future. Don’t contemplate on what your future will be if you forgive this person. Understand that the hurt happened in the past and you are new now. Your relationship with the person is new. No guilt feelings and no hatred.
Allow Peace: Now that you let go of the past try focusing on the present. Take a deep breathe. Focus on your breathe. Each breathe that goes out of your body is the pain and the past and each breathe you inhale in is the love and the present. Release all the pain. Set yourself to be free.
Compassion: finally forgive the person and realize that forgiveness is for you own happiness. Wish happiness for the person and more important be ready to trust the person again, because they are not the same old person and you are not the same old person. Both of you have change. Start loving the person with utmost trust. Be happy and wish happiness for him.
Be happy, for we are born to be happy.
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