Anger

Anger is just an external expression of our internal feelings like fear, frustration and hurt. We need to have a better understanding of our ‘anger’. Many a times without understanding the basics behind anger, we tend to express it and later regret for it. What is the way, by which we can understand our anger?. To understand our anger, we need to follow ABCD model or the Responsibility Empowering Action Method.

Situation: "I am angry towards by wife. I have asked her to arrange my shelve. But when I came from office, I saw my shelve and it was a mess. She dint do what I instructed". 

Self Reflection:

What am I fearful of? 

I am afraid that I am losing my control as a husband.

What am I frustrated about?

Every time I give any instructions she is not listening to me.

Why am I feeling ‘Hurt’?

I feel I am not being respected.

Discovery

What were the surrounding circumstances?

When I came home, and found that she has not done what I told her I got irritated first. She started to complain about our maid, and blamed me for not helping her in household work. All this added to my anger.

What were my immediate reactions?

I started to yell and throw things.

What belief system did it trigger?

I always had a belief system that, wife should always listen to husband, and only when they don’t respect their husband, they tend to avoid the instructions given.

What assumption did I make about the present circumstance and the person?

Assumption about my wife: She has no respect on me. She is avoiding me

Assumptions about the situation: What a awful day it is?

Care Frontation

When I express my anger what is my motive in this?

Am I trying to correct her?

No. If my intention is to correct her, then I would have tried to talk about this with her and ask what is that which interferes in fulfilling my instructions? But I never did that.  So my intention is not to correct her, but make her feel guilty for not listening to me, and by shouting at her, I am indirectly putting a pressure on her to listen to me, without understanding her.

Am I trying to control her?

Yes in a way I am trying to control her, and take her for granted. I try to use my role (the role of husband) and control her.

Is there any positive constructive change in our relationship?

No, our relationship is getting more hurt.

Handle Impasses

What is my significance to other’s actions in this situation?

I feel that I am being ignore or given importance

What is my wife’s significance to my actions?

She might feel that I am rude and not understanding.

What are the different ways of handling this situation?

I can explain to her, why I am seeking her help and why I get frustrated if she doesn’t listen to me. I can sit and talk with my wife and ask her difficult in doing the work. I can remind her about the work that is to be done. I can ask the children to help my wife in house hold chores.

Behind all these four process, there is one big giant who is controlling you. Yes, you are right. It is your self-talk. It is nothing but what you say to you or communicates to yourself in any situation. Beware of your self-talk. This is a small worksheet to act on your self-talk.

In an anger provoking situation think

What self-talk is mot upsetting you right now?
Then try to answer these three questions

• Is it a fact? Yes/No
• Is this self-talk calming you? Yes/No. Why is it not calming you?
• Is it giving good ideas to get what you want? Yes/No. What ‘bad ideas’ your self-talk is fueling?

 If you answer ‘No’ to one or more of the questions then you need to work on it.

Ways to control anger

Move away from the place

Choose a calm place and observe your thoughts and self talk

Analyze if there is any truth in this self talk and your thoughts

Contemplate on how you behaved

Understand the consequences of your behavior

Focus on your communication – Listen to other person/don’t jump to conclusions/don’t try to mind read others/ try to understand their feeling  behind their complaints

Think about alternative ways of how you could have handled this situation

Relax yourself – develop constructive hobbies/practice meditation or deep breathing

Promise yourself that next time you will break this cycle of routine behavior and try to understand yourself and others and respond in  a positive manner